Scary is as scary does
Scary/needy behavior scares people away. Unless you’re interested in someone even scarier than you. If that’s the case – have at it.
If you’re exhibiting any of these scary behaviors, then you might want to kick back for a minute and evaluate your life. It’s ok to take a deep breath and step away from dating to get a handle on your “stuff.”
You need to use an alias online
I just had an alarming experience on a popular dating site this past weekend. I reached out to a woman who looked ok.
Ok in my lesbian world means somewhat stable – job, home, checking account, still has most of her hair and teeth…that sort of thing. I don’t think that’s raising the bar too high by my mid-fifties.
So we exchanged a couple of messages on the dating site, then I gave her my real email address to make communicating simpler and then went to bed without giving it much thought.
I didn’t get a chance to check my email until Monday night. When I checked there were two emails from her. The one at 8:30 on Sunday night was light and chatty. it was fine. There were some harmless questions for me to answer.
Then there was a reference to her real name which was not the same name she used on the dating site. Apparently she’s run into weird people, hence the alias. Remember that show Lost In Space? “Danger Will Robinson, Danger!”
You’re hiding from someone, or they’re hiding from you
That was the first red flag. I’ve run into women who use aliiases and getting to know them never goes well. Without fail they are always much crazier than anyone who’d be foolish enough to track them down.
The second red flag was the emal that had arrived at 8:30 am on Monday morning went something like this: “Just checking in. Not sure if you still want to communicate. Hope to hear from you.”
So, unbeknownst to me, there was an expectation to answer her first email before I went to bed on Sunday night. By Monday morning she had already assumed the worst.
You’re making inaccurate assumptions by the third email
Some might disagree, but no adult should be assuming the worst with a complete stranger. Exchanging emails does not imply a relationship.
I’m thinking about putting a disclaimer on my dating profile. Something like, “Just because I emailed you does not mean we are going to have sex or adopt a new cat together. Let’s get that straight right now.”
The woman I was emailing assumed a twelve hour window for an adequate response to her email. She shouldn’t assume anything. The top reason being that we are complete strangers and she knows nothing about my schedule.
There are times someone might need a couple of days to write back. Their dog got sick. Their boss demanded overtime. They had to find a decent facility for grandma because she was paying visits to family and friends in her underwear. Shit happens all the time.
If you’re counting the hours till a stranger you met online answers your email, then you probably won’t even make it to the first date without scaring them away.
When I saw that Monday morning email, I instantly thought of Fatal Attraction. If she’s tracking response time now, what will she be doing by the third date?
This is why you should come to the next QgirlsNYC event. The woman are sane and fun in a good way. It’s always better to meet and greet in person!